and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I touched a dick in church today
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
