Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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