All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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