theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
