Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
