I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
