Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains