At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.