Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.