Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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