i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
only you would photoshop your dick
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
