Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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