i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
