If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip