you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man