i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
