I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
