did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
