i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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