He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.