Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities