My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.