so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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