I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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