So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
