Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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