Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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