How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
