Tell her she can't have a vagina
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
