Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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