I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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