what day is it and did you see me today?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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