he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
