this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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