The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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