I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
