dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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