What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
