Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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