Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
