Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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