Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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