The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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