Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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