I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
