Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
