I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.