Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
