I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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