my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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