i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
