i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
