I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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