At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The Olympian is in my bed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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