I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Randomize
