Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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