I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.