I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?