I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of