i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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